I fell apart when I fell for you

I've got really bad heartburn right now. Maybe it's because I just listened to Spencer Pratt's "rap" for the first time. What a douche.

I am waiting for Colleen to get done cleaning at her grandmas and come hang out. I figured I would write a little while I am waiting. We were supposed to go to South Street Seaport today, but with everything she had to do it would definitely be too late for that. I guess she is just gonna come hang out over here when she's done.

We hung out the other day, last weekend too. I have had a pretty big crush on her for like 2 years. We've made out in the past, but now...I dunno, I am trying to date her. So we've been hanging out a bit, talking more, trying to get to know each other again. She said there is a lot we don't know about each other and she wants to take things slow. I've given her an out several times, a chance to tell me she just doesn't think of me the same way, but she hasn't said that. She just said she wants to take it slow. I am ok with that, so we'll see how it goes. I love hanging out with her which is always a good sign. And she finally wants me to take her picture which I have been trying to do for 2 years. I dunno...hopefully things work out.

I hung out with Troy, Kelly, and Andrea last night. Troy and Kelly broke up actually, which is strange. He's an idiot. She's kinda emotionally needy and I told him to talk about it, but not while we were all drunk at the club. Andrea has been going through a lot with her health lately. She told me about some of it which is completely not like her. I know stuff she hasn't told anyone. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried, I definitely am. She definitely has a lot on her plate lately. She and Rob broke off the engagement, but she and I have cooled things off at the same time. We still talk constantly, and hang out often, but it's different than it was. She just needs a friend right now, and I am happy to do that. I just hope everything works out in the long run for her.

My harddrive with all my photography on it is effed. I am hoping Rob can recover the files but I am definitely worried. I ordered a new computer which should be here soon. I can't wait to not have to use this piece of shit anymore. It's just really old, time for an upgrade. Assuming he can recover the files, my photography book should be complete soon. It was a little rough looking through all the pictures I've taken of Melissa searching for ones for the book. I still miss her. We talked the other day, it was her bday. We talked the week before that too. I guess her and her new bf are having issues, she has a hard time letting people in. She let me in more than normal, but it's still tough for her. Like I said, I still miss her and I wanted nothing more than to be the one helping her celebrat her bday. That's why I had off all weekend, I put in for this weekend off after the academy so we could go away or something. Feels like a million years ago. I dunno. Anyway...

After the club Andrea came over for a bit last night. We talked about a lot of stuff. How I feel like a trainwreck still, just not happy in general. The bottom line is I don't know wtf I am here for. I feel like all I do is work and I never get ahead. It's so frustrating. And the whole relationship thing. Fuck. I have no problem when it comes to hook ups, but when it comes to something deeper, it definitely doesn't go the way I want. I just want someone to care about who feels the same way. I never thought it would be so hard. And as much as I work, all this fucking overtime, I am always broke. I don't get it.

So yeah, I am frustrated. But for right now, I refuse to give up. It's not in me I guess. But sometimes, sometimes it's so hard. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Anyway, I guess I should clean a little for when Colleen comes over, take a shower or something..

If you're the rope that ties us together,
then please make me a noose.