mhmm

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I got home from work, had some cereal, watched a little TV. My eyes burn but for some reason here I am.

I feel like I am on the brink of something. Of maybe finally being who I have been trying to be all along. Took a lot of pictures the last few days. I will definitely post some soon. In the meantime:

I am completely smitten.

We dream of nights without iron bars

It's amazing the things i have gotten used to because of work. It no longer phases me to see naked guys. I work in medical and see dick all the time, plus the times I have to do a strip search. You get used to being called names and walking around all the time constantly watching to make sure no one tries to jump you. You get used to the smell: piss, sometimes shit, sweat, dragon breath and body Oder. You get used to seeing guys completely broken down. Coming in kicking heroin or alcohol, so completely fucked up that they can't even make it to the toilet. You expect grown ass men to almost riot because someone changed the channel on the TV. You get used to the complaining, the whining, the constant bitching. You get used to a lot.

Tonight I worked in medical. I watched a guy in hi vis finger his ass for 8 hours. No exaggeration. How the fuck do I get used to that? I don't even want to. But I also don't want to close my eyes and see that inside my head when I do. Then the other guy in hi vis was screaming "Faggot" "Fuck you pig" etc all night, trying to smash the light out until we put him in the restraint chair. So i've got a guy 3 fingers deep on one screen and another guy screaming naked in the chair for 8 hours. Some nights are definitely longer than others, and there are some things I just don't want to get used to.

Mom is always worried this job will change me. In some respects it definitely has. You can't do what I have to do every day and not change, not adapt. You have to constantly keep learning to keep yourself safe. I try so hard to be the same me I have always been when I leave though. Most of the time I do a good job I think. I told Maggie, I think I am actually more polite on the outside because of the asshole I have to be sometimes on the inside. I've definitely changed though. I have less patience for the bullshit. I know when I am being conned and I don't like it. I have less sympathy for most inmates. I used to feel bad when I would do a shake down. Now I just think, 'well, if you don't want me to go through your shit don't get locked up.' 'If you don't want me to strip search or pat you down, stay out of trouble' Things like that. There isn't a lot of room for sympathy in there.

I think I do a good job of keeping it separate. But some stuff gets in my head. I know why guys come home at 6 am and get drunk so they can sleep. I don't do it, but I understand it. I can still hear that guy screaming in my head, I can still see the guy fingering his ass when I close my eyes.

It was a long fucking night.

On the up side, I see Maggie today. Jacky is moving to Morocco for a year and today is her good-bye BBQ. Maggie will meet some more of my family which I think will go well. I don't see how anyone can not like her, so it should be fine. Everyday I am a little more impressed with her, and happy that she likes me enough to share her time with me. I really do feel lucky.

I'm beat. Hopefully sleep will come soon.


I want to be where you are, in times of need i just want you to stay

New pictures

I'm falling over the edge with you.

For the first time in a long time someone has come along that has made me feel hopeful. Made me think that maybe I am not completely screwed up. That maybe, just maybe I do deserve to be happy. I love getting to know her. Love hearing her voice on the phone and feeling her hand in mine. I feel lucky to have met her and excited about the future with her. But every so often something will happen that will remind me of the past. And for a second, just for a second, I lose my breath. I've been told that I have a hard time letting go, and this has definitely been true. I am different than I used to be though. I have grown. I have been shattered and found a way to repair. I am not who I used to be, but some of me will never change. It's weird, it's not even that I want to be with her anymore, it's just that I miss hanging out with her. Miss the fun we used to have. That's all me though, because she would still hang out, I just don't know if I am ready yet. I also don't know how Maggie would feel about us hanging out. So I wait. I let more time go by. More space for me to make sure that all my thoughts on feelings are sorted out. But every so often, I really do miss her friendship.

I just got home from my third double this week. The last hour were so annoying. Inmates going to medical. inmates going to court. nurse coming in. I just got so frustrated and antsy. It's over though, and I've got the next three days off. I got 2nd shift too, which will definitely make me feel more human. Working overnights is so damn hard for me. So in 2 weeks I go back to seconds which means I will be out at 10. I can be more social, be able to spend time with Maggie on the weekend, see my friends, sleep at night. Wow. Just be normal. I can't wait.

I definitely feel really shot out right now. i should be sleeping but I don't think that I can. I need to do a shoot in the next few days, it always helps me reset. All the girls I usually shoot are busy though. I will definitely have to figure something out.

Ibra made me a sweet logo for deadboltphotos:

I really love it. If things go like I hope they will with this I will probably have that tattooed on me one day. Mhmm.

I meet Maggie's family tonight. I am excited. I mean, I dunno. She is super close with them and I know her mom has been grilling her about me lately. I definitely need to get to know them a bit and let them get to know me. I want them to like me and like the fact that she is choosing to spend her time with me. Hopefully it goes well.

Thrice has a new album out I am super excited about and they are playing a show with Brand New on Nov 14. They are both so friggen good live. I can't wait to take Maggie to see them play.

My new computer is up and running and pretty damn sweet. I won't lie. She is going to help me get deadboltphotos.com up and running. They haven't been able to recover my photography from my crashed harddrive which bums me out, but I haven't given up on that yet either.

My brain is all over the place. I can't focus. Maybe it's bed time.

If I lie here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I should be sleeping but I am too excited to do so. I feel calm for the first time in ages, a peace I haven't known in so long. Hopeful and happy in a way I didn't expect. I love it, and it's terrifying at the same time. I know she feels the same way, so I am not in this alone. It's weird when someone comes along and so quickly you forget about everyone else.

I love it.

Work has slowed down a bit which is good. I haven't been working 80 hour weeks lately. The rumor is I got 2nd shift, which would really be amazing. But until I actually get it in writing I can't count on it. But it looks good. It would allow me to be more normal, get a regular amount of sleep, see Maggie more than twice a week, just feel like a human being. When you work nights you never don't feel tired. I can't even remember what normal feels like, but I can't wait to find out.

There is more I could say, but I think I will stop and go to the gym. Then maybe back to bed.

Some new work:

if i had wings and could fly, i'd still fall for you.

This world is full of broken things: broken hearts, broken promises, broken people. This world, too, is a fragile construct, a honeycomb place where the past leaves into the present, where the weight of blood guild and old sins causes lives to collapse and forces children to lie with the remains of their fathers in the tangled ruins of the aftermath.
I am broken, and I have broken in return. Now I wonder how much hurt can be visited upon others before the universe takes action, before some outside force decides that enough has been endured. I once thought that it was a question of balance, but I no longer believe that. I think that what I have done was out of all proportion to what was done to e, but that is the nature of revenge. it escalates. it cannot be controlled. One hurt invites another, on and on until the original injury is all but forgotten in the chaos of what follows.
I was a revenger once. I will be no more.
But this world is full of broken things.
-John Connoly


I am pretty happy right now. Happier than I have been in a while. It's funny how someone can come into your life out of nowhere and all the darkness that was constantly creeping around the edges fades away. She came out of nowhere and I didn't expect to be so impressed by her. To already have her in my thoughts constantly, and a little in my heart. It's all still early and you never know what tomorrow will be. But for now, for tonight, I am happy. And looking forward to seeing where this could go.