so

Sometimes I just get really lonely. For no reason. I think today was probably because my family doesn't do holidays. I spent the last two days at work while everyone else I knew was super pumped about Christmas. I act like I don't care. And for the most part I don't. But sometimes it definitely gets to me. How I had to be raised differently from most of the world.

It's frustrating.

Maggie did an amazing job with me this year. Did some really meaningful things. She really is an amazing girl. But right now she is out and I am exhausted and feeling pretty down.

maybe I should go to bed.

mhmm

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I got home from work, had some cereal, watched a little TV. My eyes burn but for some reason here I am.

I feel like I am on the brink of something. Of maybe finally being who I have been trying to be all along. Took a lot of pictures the last few days. I will definitely post some soon. In the meantime:

I am completely smitten.

We dream of nights without iron bars

It's amazing the things i have gotten used to because of work. It no longer phases me to see naked guys. I work in medical and see dick all the time, plus the times I have to do a strip search. You get used to being called names and walking around all the time constantly watching to make sure no one tries to jump you. You get used to the smell: piss, sometimes shit, sweat, dragon breath and body Oder. You get used to seeing guys completely broken down. Coming in kicking heroin or alcohol, so completely fucked up that they can't even make it to the toilet. You expect grown ass men to almost riot because someone changed the channel on the TV. You get used to the complaining, the whining, the constant bitching. You get used to a lot.

Tonight I worked in medical. I watched a guy in hi vis finger his ass for 8 hours. No exaggeration. How the fuck do I get used to that? I don't even want to. But I also don't want to close my eyes and see that inside my head when I do. Then the other guy in hi vis was screaming "Faggot" "Fuck you pig" etc all night, trying to smash the light out until we put him in the restraint chair. So i've got a guy 3 fingers deep on one screen and another guy screaming naked in the chair for 8 hours. Some nights are definitely longer than others, and there are some things I just don't want to get used to.

Mom is always worried this job will change me. In some respects it definitely has. You can't do what I have to do every day and not change, not adapt. You have to constantly keep learning to keep yourself safe. I try so hard to be the same me I have always been when I leave though. Most of the time I do a good job I think. I told Maggie, I think I am actually more polite on the outside because of the asshole I have to be sometimes on the inside. I've definitely changed though. I have less patience for the bullshit. I know when I am being conned and I don't like it. I have less sympathy for most inmates. I used to feel bad when I would do a shake down. Now I just think, 'well, if you don't want me to go through your shit don't get locked up.' 'If you don't want me to strip search or pat you down, stay out of trouble' Things like that. There isn't a lot of room for sympathy in there.

I think I do a good job of keeping it separate. But some stuff gets in my head. I know why guys come home at 6 am and get drunk so they can sleep. I don't do it, but I understand it. I can still hear that guy screaming in my head, I can still see the guy fingering his ass when I close my eyes.

It was a long fucking night.

On the up side, I see Maggie today. Jacky is moving to Morocco for a year and today is her good-bye BBQ. Maggie will meet some more of my family which I think will go well. I don't see how anyone can not like her, so it should be fine. Everyday I am a little more impressed with her, and happy that she likes me enough to share her time with me. I really do feel lucky.

I'm beat. Hopefully sleep will come soon.


I want to be where you are, in times of need i just want you to stay

New pictures

I'm falling over the edge with you.

For the first time in a long time someone has come along that has made me feel hopeful. Made me think that maybe I am not completely screwed up. That maybe, just maybe I do deserve to be happy. I love getting to know her. Love hearing her voice on the phone and feeling her hand in mine. I feel lucky to have met her and excited about the future with her. But every so often something will happen that will remind me of the past. And for a second, just for a second, I lose my breath. I've been told that I have a hard time letting go, and this has definitely been true. I am different than I used to be though. I have grown. I have been shattered and found a way to repair. I am not who I used to be, but some of me will never change. It's weird, it's not even that I want to be with her anymore, it's just that I miss hanging out with her. Miss the fun we used to have. That's all me though, because she would still hang out, I just don't know if I am ready yet. I also don't know how Maggie would feel about us hanging out. So I wait. I let more time go by. More space for me to make sure that all my thoughts on feelings are sorted out. But every so often, I really do miss her friendship.

I just got home from my third double this week. The last hour were so annoying. Inmates going to medical. inmates going to court. nurse coming in. I just got so frustrated and antsy. It's over though, and I've got the next three days off. I got 2nd shift too, which will definitely make me feel more human. Working overnights is so damn hard for me. So in 2 weeks I go back to seconds which means I will be out at 10. I can be more social, be able to spend time with Maggie on the weekend, see my friends, sleep at night. Wow. Just be normal. I can't wait.

I definitely feel really shot out right now. i should be sleeping but I don't think that I can. I need to do a shoot in the next few days, it always helps me reset. All the girls I usually shoot are busy though. I will definitely have to figure something out.

Ibra made me a sweet logo for deadboltphotos:

I really love it. If things go like I hope they will with this I will probably have that tattooed on me one day. Mhmm.

I meet Maggie's family tonight. I am excited. I mean, I dunno. She is super close with them and I know her mom has been grilling her about me lately. I definitely need to get to know them a bit and let them get to know me. I want them to like me and like the fact that she is choosing to spend her time with me. Hopefully it goes well.

Thrice has a new album out I am super excited about and they are playing a show with Brand New on Nov 14. They are both so friggen good live. I can't wait to take Maggie to see them play.

My new computer is up and running and pretty damn sweet. I won't lie. She is going to help me get deadboltphotos.com up and running. They haven't been able to recover my photography from my crashed harddrive which bums me out, but I haven't given up on that yet either.

My brain is all over the place. I can't focus. Maybe it's bed time.

If I lie here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I should be sleeping but I am too excited to do so. I feel calm for the first time in ages, a peace I haven't known in so long. Hopeful and happy in a way I didn't expect. I love it, and it's terrifying at the same time. I know she feels the same way, so I am not in this alone. It's weird when someone comes along and so quickly you forget about everyone else.

I love it.

Work has slowed down a bit which is good. I haven't been working 80 hour weeks lately. The rumor is I got 2nd shift, which would really be amazing. But until I actually get it in writing I can't count on it. But it looks good. It would allow me to be more normal, get a regular amount of sleep, see Maggie more than twice a week, just feel like a human being. When you work nights you never don't feel tired. I can't even remember what normal feels like, but I can't wait to find out.

There is more I could say, but I think I will stop and go to the gym. Then maybe back to bed.

Some new work:

if i had wings and could fly, i'd still fall for you.

This world is full of broken things: broken hearts, broken promises, broken people. This world, too, is a fragile construct, a honeycomb place where the past leaves into the present, where the weight of blood guild and old sins causes lives to collapse and forces children to lie with the remains of their fathers in the tangled ruins of the aftermath.
I am broken, and I have broken in return. Now I wonder how much hurt can be visited upon others before the universe takes action, before some outside force decides that enough has been endured. I once thought that it was a question of balance, but I no longer believe that. I think that what I have done was out of all proportion to what was done to e, but that is the nature of revenge. it escalates. it cannot be controlled. One hurt invites another, on and on until the original injury is all but forgotten in the chaos of what follows.
I was a revenger once. I will be no more.
But this world is full of broken things.
-John Connoly


I am pretty happy right now. Happier than I have been in a while. It's funny how someone can come into your life out of nowhere and all the darkness that was constantly creeping around the edges fades away. She came out of nowhere and I didn't expect to be so impressed by her. To already have her in my thoughts constantly, and a little in my heart. It's all still early and you never know what tomorrow will be. But for now, for tonight, I am happy. And looking forward to seeing where this could go.

I fell apart when I fell for you

I've got really bad heartburn right now. Maybe it's because I just listened to Spencer Pratt's "rap" for the first time. What a douche.

I am waiting for Colleen to get done cleaning at her grandmas and come hang out. I figured I would write a little while I am waiting. We were supposed to go to South Street Seaport today, but with everything she had to do it would definitely be too late for that. I guess she is just gonna come hang out over here when she's done.

We hung out the other day, last weekend too. I have had a pretty big crush on her for like 2 years. We've made out in the past, but now...I dunno, I am trying to date her. So we've been hanging out a bit, talking more, trying to get to know each other again. She said there is a lot we don't know about each other and she wants to take things slow. I've given her an out several times, a chance to tell me she just doesn't think of me the same way, but she hasn't said that. She just said she wants to take it slow. I am ok with that, so we'll see how it goes. I love hanging out with her which is always a good sign. And she finally wants me to take her picture which I have been trying to do for 2 years. I dunno...hopefully things work out.

I hung out with Troy, Kelly, and Andrea last night. Troy and Kelly broke up actually, which is strange. He's an idiot. She's kinda emotionally needy and I told him to talk about it, but not while we were all drunk at the club. Andrea has been going through a lot with her health lately. She told me about some of it which is completely not like her. I know stuff she hasn't told anyone. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried, I definitely am. She definitely has a lot on her plate lately. She and Rob broke off the engagement, but she and I have cooled things off at the same time. We still talk constantly, and hang out often, but it's different than it was. She just needs a friend right now, and I am happy to do that. I just hope everything works out in the long run for her.

My harddrive with all my photography on it is effed. I am hoping Rob can recover the files but I am definitely worried. I ordered a new computer which should be here soon. I can't wait to not have to use this piece of shit anymore. It's just really old, time for an upgrade. Assuming he can recover the files, my photography book should be complete soon. It was a little rough looking through all the pictures I've taken of Melissa searching for ones for the book. I still miss her. We talked the other day, it was her bday. We talked the week before that too. I guess her and her new bf are having issues, she has a hard time letting people in. She let me in more than normal, but it's still tough for her. Like I said, I still miss her and I wanted nothing more than to be the one helping her celebrat her bday. That's why I had off all weekend, I put in for this weekend off after the academy so we could go away or something. Feels like a million years ago. I dunno. Anyway...

After the club Andrea came over for a bit last night. We talked about a lot of stuff. How I feel like a trainwreck still, just not happy in general. The bottom line is I don't know wtf I am here for. I feel like all I do is work and I never get ahead. It's so frustrating. And the whole relationship thing. Fuck. I have no problem when it comes to hook ups, but when it comes to something deeper, it definitely doesn't go the way I want. I just want someone to care about who feels the same way. I never thought it would be so hard. And as much as I work, all this fucking overtime, I am always broke. I don't get it.

So yeah, I am frustrated. But for right now, I refuse to give up. It's not in me I guess. But sometimes, sometimes it's so hard. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Anyway, I guess I should clean a little for when Colleen comes over, take a shower or something..

If you're the rope that ties us together,
then please make me a noose.

I remember watching "There Will Be Blood". I didn't really like the movie, but I did think it was fantastic because I just thought Daniel Day Lewis was losing his mind. I remember thinking that he was so good in it, it just seemed like he was steadily going nuts. The movie was a record of one man going over the edge.

Sometimes I wonder if this blog is the same thing for me.

You are the water filling my lungs, killing me softly

I am so restless in this house by myself. Sometimes having your own place is really lonely. Someone warned me that would happen. I am in such a mood to just do, anything, get the fuck out of here for a bit. The problem is for everyone else it's Monday night, so they can't be out bullshitting with me all night. I can't sleep though. I won't be able to for hours.

held onto it forever, just pushing it down


I went back to the gym today. I have been running and push ups and shit since the academy, but today was my first day back to the gym. I ran 4 miles in just under 30 minutes. Not bad. I guess I haven't totally lost everything I gained in those months. I actually saw my drill instructor at the gym on my way out. It was weird, but good to see her. She said I still looked good, so I guess I haven't really gained weight back. 11 new guys started today, she said they were a mess, but we always are in the beginning. I hope they stick it out though, we need some guys to relieve some of this overtime we are getting constantly. I hope too with the promotions coming through that I can get back on 2nd shift and maybe be slightly normal. It's rough working nights, having shitty days off. I feel like the rest of the world is passing me by.

My nephew is here. I hung out with him for a couple of hours after the gym. Spent some time with my parents too. They asked me about Melissa. I guess they really did/do like her. She just went to Fla to use some of her time off that she will lose. It just reminded me of vacations we're not going to be taking together. Sad.

i know i was not the man you wanted, although i loved you and wanted to make you proud. my intentions were to never give myself to anyone. look what i've done

Speaking of vacation, I am definitely going somewhere this year, September it looks like. Either Vegas or Colorado, I haven't decided yet. Troy is home from Iraq, he came with me to Eric's home from Iraq party on Saturday. I am so glad they both made it home safe and sound. Troy needs a break too, so we might try to go on vacation together somewhere. Just gotta figure out where and get the money shit worked out.

Anyway, gonna go edit some pictures. Try to get out of my head for a bit.

you take me for a fool
maybe you're right.
if i was wiser
i would not have let myself come here tonight.

3 sleepless nights, this isn't how it's supposed to be

I just spent the last couple of hours talking to Cara about all this shit going on in my head, and listening to some music of course. I made a new playlist, it should probably be called music to slit your wrist to or something. It's all pretty depressing, but beautiful. I have been listening to Emery non-stop lately, I can't get enough of their new stuff. But some of their old lyrics still hit home

I would wait for you forever, if you would just ask me

it scares me to think, that you could find takers other than me, better than me

Yeah I love them.

It's funny how Melissa will write little things about what she's doing, away msgs or whatever and it will always catch me like a kick to the throat. Little things that remind me how great she is, and how she used to spend her time with me. It sucks how much I miss her. How I feel empty without being able to talk to her whenever I want to. She's giving me space to get over her, to be ok with us being around each other. Part of me wonders: is there enough space in the world for me to be next to her and not want to reach for her hand. Fuck, I am honestly so tired of talking about this. So tired of feeling like this. So tired of knowing that there is a person out there that I could build a life with but she doesn't want it. She tried to tell me it's not me, and that she isn't ready for it with the guy she's with now either, but that changes nothing. Fact remains, I'm here writing about her, agian, and she's sleeping next to him. Her reasoning doesn't change the outcome. I'm so tired of her being in my head all the fucking time. Blah.

So I'll pray, for words to say
to make these miles disappear


In other news, went to see The Hangover tonight. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I needed it thats for sure. My face actually hurt from laughing. Stacy is trying to show that I should let her in more, and she's pretty great, but I am not ready to take those walls down. Not yet.

Not yet.

Is it too late? Am I too gone?

I keep playing these same thoughts over and over in my head, snapshots of a happier time. Thoughts always return to that smile, that laugh I can still hear even though it's been so long.

I feel like I am in a rut. Everything's changing, but it's not all changes I wanted.

I need to keep shooting, keep moving forward with that part of my life. The only thing that makes sense anymore.


I need a break. I need a vacation. I need a smile that doesn't feel forced.

I'm due for a miracle, I'm waiting for a sign


She's "in a relationship", seems fast as fuck to me. We talked about it and she explained that she effed it up before with this guy, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes twice. I get all that, I do. But it still hurts. I feel like I might be spiraling out of control a bit. Andrea and I hooked up after my birthday. We were wasted and it just felt natural. Since then we've actually become pretty good friends again. And then I am still hooking up with Stacy, but that is something I am trying to taper off. She is catching feelings which will just end badly for her. I am going to hurt her I am sure of it. No matter how much I tell her I don't want a relationship and don't want to be her bf or whatever, she is definitely catching feelings. That's not going to work out well for her. And then yesterday I had a photoshoot with someone I've known for a while, hot hot russian girl. Annnnd we ended up hooking up too. All that being said, none of it is making me not think about Melissa. I thought I was beyond all that now, old enough to know better. I don't want to be that fucking guy who uses sex to fill the emptyness.

But the bottom line is, I had exactly what I wanted, but she didn't want me. And we fit together too well for me to pretend like I don't still want her in my life. But I can't be around her, not yet. I can't wake up without her in my head, and I can't kiss someone else without missing her lips.

I want her to be happy. More than anything. I just wish that included me. The strange thing is, she was happy with me. None of it makes sense to me.


I knew it, right from the start
I've got this big big hole in my heart
I wanted, to put you in
but for some reason, you just wouldn't fit.


In other news...I feel like I am working a lot. Still taking pictures a lot too.


Just trying to get my shit together, as hard as that's been lately. I am still not moved out 100%. It's hard because Jeff and I have completely messed up work schedules. When I am off and awake he is sleeping. And when he is awake I am busy. He is being a dick about it a little bit too, I moved 95% of the stuff, what is left doesn't really matter. I am going to get it out today though. Just so it's finished.

I feel hungover. And empty

Birthday reflections

"when your castle crumbles at your feet, don't you run to me"

Yesterday was my birthday, 28. It's crazy to think about sometimes. I remember being a kid, remember thinking I was never going to be even old enough to drive. Now here I am, 2 years shy of 30. Every year I look back on my life, I try to weigh it out. See if I am moving forward. Looking back now, on paper, I am definitely moving forward. I have a career a lot of people would kill for. I just moved into my first apartment sans roommates, which is a big deal. My photography is going well. I know who my true friends are. I know my self worth, and I don't put up with less than I deserve. On paper, I definitely have moved forward. But I feel empty sometimes. I feel a hollow in my chest, still, where she used to be. It's been well over a month at this point, last I heard she was talking to someone new. But I still miss her every day. I have done my part to be distracted, "I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to..." but nothing compares to the time we spent together. 28 years old and this one girl has the power to just fucking level me. Man oh man. Not that long ago she was talking about helping me celebrate my birthday, making it a big deal. But it came and went and she didn't even call me. I kept hoping for it, waiting for it, but it never happened. It made me sadder than it should have.



Andrea was at the bar last night. It's funny, that girl fucked me over so bad back in the day. When I saw her it proved to me that you really can just let anything go. She ended up apologizing, telling me that she missed me. We talked. And I drank. And we talked. She explained that she was just scared and not ready for me, sounds a bit like Melissa. She's engaged now although I am not sure if she's ready for it really. But good for her anyway. I guess we're cool now which is good. It was definitely a blast from the past though. I really did pretty much fucking hate her for a while, but now...none of that matters at all.

I decided to publish a photography book. The idea of this was probably started in my brain when Melissa and I hung out. She was all about Deadbolt Design, T-shirts, calenders, the whole deal. I still feel like there will be a time when I am ok with my place in her life and we'll end up working together, making something amazing. In the meantime, I am flying solo. It's hard to go through everything I've done and figure out what I want in the book. What images are going to represent me to anyone who happens to look at it. There are definitely some that will absolutely be in there, but it's a lot to think about. I am proud of what I have done so far, of the name I am building. People I've never talked to have heard of me, of Deadbolt photos. That's pretty cool. If Brian can ever finish the effing site it will defintely help to launch me forward even more. In the meantime, I keep taking pictures. I keep trying to push myself forward. I keep trying to do something that will catch your breath in your chest when you see it. That's all I want, to make you feel anything when you look at what I've done. I get that sometimes, I definitely do. I just want to keep learning, keep moving, keep creating.



Back to work tomorrow. Another 6o hour + week. It's good sometimes. I definitely need the money, and the distraction.

"and when the night falls in around me I don't think I'll make it through, I'll use your light to guide the way, cause all I think about is you"

I know she's just a girl but she's got me standing on the edge of the world

"I think maybe I only know one thing in this world. One thing for sure. And that is that the truth does not set you free. Not like I have heard it said and not like I have said it myself the countless times I sat in small rooms and jail cells and urged ragged men to confess their sins to me. I lied to them, tricked them. The truth does not salvage you or make you whole again. It does not allow you to rise above the burden of lies and secrets and wounds to the heart. The truths I have learned hold me down like chains in a dark room, an underworld of ghosts and victims that slither around me like snakes. It is a place where the truth is not something to look at or behold. It is the place where evil waits. Where it blows its breath, every breath, into your mouth and nose until you cannot escape from it. This is what I know. The only thing."
-Michael Connelly

I read that last week in this book, "The Narrows" I can't explain why it struck me like it did, but for whatever reason I really loved it. I dunno.

Anyway. I'm moving, it's a bitch. I really do hate moving. The new place is really nice though, I will be happy when I am all settled and actually have furniture and what not. Melissa came over last week and saw it for the first time, she said she liked it. I dunno, I think she is proud of me and how I am trying to move forward. When I saw the place even though she and I were not talking, I thought of her. I still always think of her. But I thought that she would like the place, be comfortable there. Even though our relationship has changed in a way that I don't like, I still really care about what she thinks. I can't help it. We talked for a while tonight about how I don't like how things are going with us, this in between thing we're in. I am trying to still be her friend, be in her life, in the way that she wants, even though it's not what I really want. I just miss her all the time. And it's hard to know that someone is out there that I feel like is absolutely perfect for me, but she doesn't want this. Not now. Maybe not ever. I feel a little empty and off balance. I dunno man. Fuck. I'm tired of thinking about this.

But anyway, the new place should be good. I bought my kitchen stuff earlier tonight, definitely a step in the right direction. Got the glasses, plates, cooking ware, etc. It all feels familure because Melissa and I just went through this for her place, but it definitely gave me a little insight I would not have had beforehand.

My dad has Drs appointment tomorrow. He's been having some random bleeding the last couple of days. The whole thing with him is so fragile at best, always. When something extra happens it's scary. My mom actually broke down earlier today, she was like, "If anything happens to him I can't live alone." It's not at all what I want to think about, I am definitely not in a place in my life where I want to end up living with my mom because John isn't around. It's selfish I know, but it would be so bad for me to end up living there again. I just don't even want to think about it. Both of them though, thier health is so iffy all the time. It's one of those things I don't even want to think about, but with them, who knows. I hope everything goes well and he gets back on track.

I decided to self publish a little coffee table photography book. I am in the process of doing it now actually. It's gonna be hard to narrow down everything I've done into 30 or 40 pictures, but I think it will be nice to have. I will give a few extra copies to those who've supported me along the way, I dunno. I just think it will be good. We'll see I guess.

My head is always full, but I am beat. So I guess I'm done for now.

I am more of a trainwreck than you ever thought
one lonely set of tracks that never lead anywhere
and you were the light at the end of the rail
shining through every ounce of dark

but you snuffed the light out
and i ran off into the ground

I spend all my time now
just trying to pick up the pieces
I don't know if i need you to stay
or i just need you to leave me be
either way i'm fucked
either way it's not how i wanted it
not what i pictured

all that time when i was running towards you
running towards your light that cut through the fog
i never once thought you'd lead me off a cliff.

but i spend all my time now
just trying to get back on track
but it's hard
so hard.

i spend all my time
trying to mend these broken rails
but more than anything
i just wish you were still here
still leading the way
still shining through all my dark
i'd follow you anywhere

we all end up with scars

That's the title of this blog or whatever. It's certainly fitting. I am writing because I can be free with my thoughts. No one really reads this, especially the person this will be about. I was in love. Or damn close anyway. I spent the last 3 months every day with a certain person. She made me happier than I have been in a long time. She helped me through the academy when it threatened to tear me apart. She made me smile when no one else could. In all my life I never met anyone who fit into my life like she did. In a way that made me think that she was always meant to be there. I know it wasn't a long time, 3 months is nothing. But it felt like we knew each other a lifetime. And now I am here without her, and I can't figure out how to go forward knowing that she won't be by my side. I mean, this shit has me crying. I don't cry. I keep everything locked up and tucked away like you're supposed to. But I am a mess.

I miss her

The fucked up part, she's not gone. I mean, not really. She still "really likes me" she just doesn't think that she will "ever fall in love with me" so she doesn't want to lead me on. I can't hate her for that. She is trying to look out for me. But what the fuck man? How can we be so good together, so happy, and then within a day, so fucking nothing? I can't wrap my mind around that. So I am sitting here listening to Sara Barellis while tears run down my face. That's how bad it's gotten. Sara Barellis.

"Something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
until the moment I'm gone

set me free
leave me be
i don't want to fall another moment
into your gravity"

I am a mess. I miss her. I just want her to be in my arms again. We hung out last night for the first time since this all happened. It was hard. As she said, there were no bad times with us. None at all. That's the fucked up part. There was never one bad time. Goddamn

goddamn

goddamn

For the first time ever I found someone perfect for me. Someone who fit into my life exactly like she was meant to be there. The missing piece to me. To all of this. But she doesn't want it.

And I don't know how to move past it.

Neither does she, for that matter. When I don't call or text her, she reaches out to me. She still calls me most days on her way home from work like she used to. She still laughs at all the right times. Sitting next to her on the couch still felt right, almost. Now it's like we are both trying to not touch each other. And when I was putting my jacket on to leave I caught her looking at me with that little spark still in her eyes.

I'm just sad. fuck man

Dear you look so lost

it's 4:03 and I can't sleep
without you next to me
i toss and turn like the sea

I am so bored with everything. Frustrated. Depressed. Annoyed. Just fucking bored with my life. I have things I should be doing right now, but I can't make myself do any of them. I just felt so sad and frustrated all day today. I hooked up with this girl last night I have hooked up with a couple of times before. I did it because...well I just wanted to feel close to someone. But I think it has a lot to do with why I felt so shitty all day today. That's also why I stopped hooking up with random girls. I mean, this girl is my friend but there is no attraction there. I am at a place in my life where I want to care about someone that I'm sleeping with. I want to wake up next to them and just be happy that they are still in my bed. Not be like, glad that they went home after. I dunno. It's such a fucking mess in my head. I don't have to be dating someone I am sleeping with, but I at least have to be attracted to them. I have to like them on some level more than friendship. That is my current requirement. That was definitely not the case last night. I am trying to be a good guy. Do the right thing. Be someone worthy of someone great. It's so hard though. Especially when you do all these things and it gets you nowhere. That's where I feel like I am lately. Nowhere. I just want to meet someone who blows me away. Keeps me on my toes. Someone who I want to wake up next to. It's been so long.
So fucking long.

your head is elsewhere
and im talking enough for both of us
when will you see
it's not so easy for me

I went to Christina's gallery opening last night. It was nice. Mistica was supposed to come with me but she couldn't get a sitter. It's so weird how I am still so into that girl years and years later. So anyway, the show was nice. I was a little jealous if I'm being honest. I mean, I love her to death and we've been on this journey together and she's getting a lot of success. I am having a bit of my own too, but not the same way. So it was a strange night on many fronts. Overall, I am just proud of her. I remember the thousands of hours she and I have spent over the years and it's great to see how far she has come. I hope that I will get there too, one day. I am sure if I ever do she will be by my side also.

I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset

Tomorrow we go to the range. 8 days of shooting guns. It should be a good break from the academy in general. It's a little different on the range. No yelling and pushups and homework, all that shit. I mean, it's serious, but as long as you listen and don't do anything to jepordize safety, it's a better time than the rest of the academy. I am good with guns and shooting in general, so it should be good.

I just had a mini nervous breakdown. Awesome.

Here I go again

so drown me if you can
we could just have conversation



I used to have a LJ. I used to write in it all the time. Constantly just pouring stuff out...lyrics, poems, rants, raves, pictures, whatever. Somewhere over the years I lost touch with that part of me. The part of me that let all this shit out. I got scared. I started writing for whoever would read it instead of just letting it out as I saw fit. I tried to pretend like that wasn't the case, but it totally was. I censored myself after a while.

I just spent the last..almost 2 hours reading the blog posts from a new almost friend I've recently made. She kinda inspired me to start this again. I need it I think. There is so much inside that I don't know what to do with anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or who to lean on. The thing is, years later and I am not any better or more put together than I ever was. I am still a fucking train wreck more often than not. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I have spent the last month and a half in the police academy. I pretty much hate every second of it. It's so not me. The marching. The yelling. Shaving my head. Doing my boots. I have no sense of pride in any of it. I am doing it because I have to, but my heart isn't in it. It's so not like me at all. This whole career I have chosen for myself, so not me. I want to take pictures. I want to play music. That's what I want. This yes sir, no sir bullshit...none of it is me. And it's hard. I mean, the academy overall I guess is not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's bad enough. And some days are just awful. I end up exhausted, bruised, almost broken more often than not. But I didn't leave myself an out, any other options. I did that on purpose. I knew if I left myself any other options I'd quit. I try to think about the positives. With the way things are going in the economy, I went out and got the one career that there will always be a need for. Law enforcement isn't going anywhere. There is always going to be inmates, always be a need for officers. The pay and benefits are great, the pension is fantastic. With this maybe I can be normal, money-wise at least. Maybe I won't be broke all the time, paycheck to paycheck, 'sinking ship to sinking ship.' I would love to be able to be normal..go out if i want to, vacations, new car, no debt. I know that I can do all those things. So I try to stay positive. But it's depressing. The job itself is depressing. I sit with criminals all day long making sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. It's not what I ever pictured for myself.

sometimes i wonder what kind of damage this is all doing to me. i wonder how to stay me when i am surrounded by so much negativity and bullshit. how do i not change. how do i not become that typical bitter asshole cop. that scares the shit out of me. for the most part i can leave it all at the door. i go home and take a shower and am me again. but it's all still new. how long before that takes over completely.

i dunno.

enough about that for now.

every step i take
i leave a small piece of me behind
soon there will be nothing left.
every breath i take
i feel my lungs seal
soon there will be more scars than skin.

I think it's funny when I read over this how I am still writing for this to be read, but no one even knows I am writing this. I guess that is the writer in me, that part that will always be there. I miss writing sometimes, it definitely helped to keep me sane.

When I was reading so much of what Liz wrote before it made me miss this. Just letting it all out, damn what anyone thinks. I have spent a lot of time lately really trying to figure myself out. Figure out why I haven't been in anything worth while since Jess. I stopped the random hookups a while back. It wasn't making me happy. If anything it just made me realize that I really missed something more than just sex. Missed that person breathing next to you in the night. Feeling her breath on my neck, her hand in mine. I really do miss looking at someone and knowing that they can see right through me. I miss being with someone who loved me enough to actually look through me.

I miss being enough for someone else. It's been too long.

I was talking to this girl for a hot second. From the start I kinda knew it was a bad idea, but I went with it anyway. We talked for hours every day. It was fantastic. For about 2 weeks. Yeah. I'm intense. I know this. I try to not be but sometimes someone else doesn't always know how to take me. I get this. I just don't know how else to be. I'm honest, blunt, upfront, sarcastic and take no bullshit. I expect a lot from someone and I get bored easily. But it's like, I'm 2fucking7. I thought my life would be different by now. I was with Jess for years, thinking she would be the person I grow old with. No one else since her has made me feel that way. I talked to her today actually...our friendship is good. And she's with someone else doing well and I'm happy for her. But I want to be happy for me too. I want to be more than the guy who looks good on paper. I feel like I (mostly) have my shit together and if the right person came along I am ready for something legit. I am ready to care about someone and have someone care about me. But it's been so long since that person has come along.

I just want to be enough for someone else.

I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.

Photography is my escape, and that's going well. The website should be up soon-ish. I am shooting all the time, actually getting paid a bit too. Some of the response I am getting is really incredible. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable even. I am not always sure how to take that much praise. I am still blown away that a good number of people are moved so much by what I do. It's a good feeling. It keeps me anchored a bit, keeps me from blowing my fucking head off.

anyway. These antibiotics I am on is giving me the worst cotton mouth ever.



wait up,
i'm not sleeping alone again
tonight
there's so much to dream about
there must be more to my life