it's 4:03 and I can't sleep
without you next to me
i toss and turn like the sea
I am so bored with everything. Frustrated. Depressed. Annoyed. Just fucking bored with my life. I have things I should be doing right now, but I can't make myself do any of them. I just felt so sad and frustrated all day today. I hooked up with this girl last night I have hooked up with a couple of times before. I did it because...well I just wanted to feel close to someone. But I think it has a lot to do with why I felt so shitty all day today. That's also why I stopped hooking up with random girls. I mean, this girl is my friend but there is no attraction there. I am at a place in my life where I want to care about someone that I'm sleeping with. I want to wake up next to them and just be happy that they are still in my bed. Not be like, glad that they went home after. I dunno. It's such a fucking mess in my head. I don't have to be dating someone I am sleeping with, but I at least have to be attracted to them. I have to like them on some level more than friendship. That is my current requirement. That was definitely not the case last night. I am trying to be a good guy. Do the right thing. Be someone worthy of someone great. It's so hard though. Especially when you do all these things and it gets you nowhere. That's where I feel like I am lately. Nowhere. I just want to meet someone who blows me away. Keeps me on my toes. Someone who I want to wake up next to. It's been so long.
So fucking long.
your head is elsewhere
and im talking enough for both of us
when will you see
it's not so easy for me
I went to Christina's gallery opening last night. It was nice. Mistica was supposed to come with me but she couldn't get a sitter. It's so weird how I am still so into that girl years and years later. So anyway, the show was nice. I was a little jealous if I'm being honest. I mean, I love her to death and we've been on this journey together and she's getting a lot of success. I am having a bit of my own too, but not the same way. So it was a strange night on many fronts. Overall, I am just proud of her. I remember the thousands of hours she and I have spent over the years and it's great to see how far she has come. I hope that I will get there too, one day. I am sure if I ever do she will be by my side also.
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
Tomorrow we go to the range. 8 days of shooting guns. It should be a good break from the academy in general. It's a little different on the range. No yelling and pushups and homework, all that shit. I mean, it's serious, but as long as you listen and don't do anything to jepordize safety, it's a better time than the rest of the academy. I am good with guns and shooting in general, so it should be good.
I just had a mini nervous breakdown. Awesome.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Here I go again
so drown me if you can
we could just have conversation
I used to have a LJ. I used to write in it all the time. Constantly just pouring stuff out...lyrics, poems, rants, raves, pictures, whatever. Somewhere over the years I lost touch with that part of me. The part of me that let all this shit out. I got scared. I started writing for whoever would read it instead of just letting it out as I saw fit. I tried to pretend like that wasn't the case, but it totally was. I censored myself after a while.
I just spent the last..almost 2 hours reading the blog posts from a new almost friend I've recently made. She kinda inspired me to start this again. I need it I think. There is so much inside that I don't know what to do with anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or who to lean on. The thing is, years later and I am not any better or more put together than I ever was. I am still a fucking train wreck more often than not. I don't know what to do about any of it.
I have spent the last month and a half in the police academy. I pretty much hate every second of it. It's so not me. The marching. The yelling. Shaving my head. Doing my boots. I have no sense of pride in any of it. I am doing it because I have to, but my heart isn't in it. It's so not like me at all. This whole career I have chosen for myself, so not me. I want to take pictures. I want to play music. That's what I want. This yes sir, no sir bullshit...none of it is me. And it's hard. I mean, the academy overall I guess is not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's bad enough. And some days are just awful. I end up exhausted, bruised, almost broken more often than not. But I didn't leave myself an out, any other options. I did that on purpose. I knew if I left myself any other options I'd quit. I try to think about the positives. With the way things are going in the economy, I went out and got the one career that there will always be a need for. Law enforcement isn't going anywhere. There is always going to be inmates, always be a need for officers. The pay and benefits are great, the pension is fantastic. With this maybe I can be normal, money-wise at least. Maybe I won't be broke all the time, paycheck to paycheck, 'sinking ship to sinking ship.' I would love to be able to be normal..go out if i want to, vacations, new car, no debt. I know that I can do all those things. So I try to stay positive. But it's depressing. The job itself is depressing. I sit with criminals all day long making sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. It's not what I ever pictured for myself.
sometimes i wonder what kind of damage this is all doing to me. i wonder how to stay me when i am surrounded by so much negativity and bullshit. how do i not change. how do i not become that typical bitter asshole cop. that scares the shit out of me. for the most part i can leave it all at the door. i go home and take a shower and am me again. but it's all still new. how long before that takes over completely.
i dunno.
enough about that for now.
every step i take
i leave a small piece of me behind
soon there will be nothing left.
every breath i take
i feel my lungs seal
soon there will be more scars than skin.
I think it's funny when I read over this how I am still writing for this to be read, but no one even knows I am writing this. I guess that is the writer in me, that part that will always be there. I miss writing sometimes, it definitely helped to keep me sane.
When I was reading so much of what Liz wrote before it made me miss this. Just letting it all out, damn what anyone thinks. I have spent a lot of time lately really trying to figure myself out. Figure out why I haven't been in anything worth while since Jess. I stopped the random hookups a while back. It wasn't making me happy. If anything it just made me realize that I really missed something more than just sex. Missed that person breathing next to you in the night. Feeling her breath on my neck, her hand in mine. I really do miss looking at someone and knowing that they can see right through me. I miss being with someone who loved me enough to actually look through me.
I miss being enough for someone else. It's been too long.
I was talking to this girl for a hot second. From the start I kinda knew it was a bad idea, but I went with it anyway. We talked for hours every day. It was fantastic. For about 2 weeks. Yeah. I'm intense. I know this. I try to not be but sometimes someone else doesn't always know how to take me. I get this. I just don't know how else to be. I'm honest, blunt, upfront, sarcastic and take no bullshit. I expect a lot from someone and I get bored easily. But it's like, I'm 2fucking7. I thought my life would be different by now. I was with Jess for years, thinking she would be the person I grow old with. No one else since her has made me feel that way. I talked to her today actually...our friendship is good. And she's with someone else doing well and I'm happy for her. But I want to be happy for me too. I want to be more than the guy who looks good on paper. I feel like I (mostly) have my shit together and if the right person came along I am ready for something legit. I am ready to care about someone and have someone care about me. But it's been so long since that person has come along.
I just want to be enough for someone else.
I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.
Photography is my escape, and that's going well. The website should be up soon-ish. I am shooting all the time, actually getting paid a bit too. Some of the response I am getting is really incredible. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable even. I am not always sure how to take that much praise. I am still blown away that a good number of people are moved so much by what I do. It's a good feeling. It keeps me anchored a bit, keeps me from blowing my fucking head off.
anyway. These antibiotics I am on is giving me the worst cotton mouth ever.
wait up,
i'm not sleeping alone again
tonight
there's so much to dream about
there must be more to my life
we could just have conversation
I used to have a LJ. I used to write in it all the time. Constantly just pouring stuff out...lyrics, poems, rants, raves, pictures, whatever. Somewhere over the years I lost touch with that part of me. The part of me that let all this shit out. I got scared. I started writing for whoever would read it instead of just letting it out as I saw fit. I tried to pretend like that wasn't the case, but it totally was. I censored myself after a while.
I just spent the last..almost 2 hours reading the blog posts from a new almost friend I've recently made. She kinda inspired me to start this again. I need it I think. There is so much inside that I don't know what to do with anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or who to lean on. The thing is, years later and I am not any better or more put together than I ever was. I am still a fucking train wreck more often than not. I don't know what to do about any of it.
I have spent the last month and a half in the police academy. I pretty much hate every second of it. It's so not me. The marching. The yelling. Shaving my head. Doing my boots. I have no sense of pride in any of it. I am doing it because I have to, but my heart isn't in it. It's so not like me at all. This whole career I have chosen for myself, so not me. I want to take pictures. I want to play music. That's what I want. This yes sir, no sir bullshit...none of it is me. And it's hard. I mean, the academy overall I guess is not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's bad enough. And some days are just awful. I end up exhausted, bruised, almost broken more often than not. But I didn't leave myself an out, any other options. I did that on purpose. I knew if I left myself any other options I'd quit. I try to think about the positives. With the way things are going in the economy, I went out and got the one career that there will always be a need for. Law enforcement isn't going anywhere. There is always going to be inmates, always be a need for officers. The pay and benefits are great, the pension is fantastic. With this maybe I can be normal, money-wise at least. Maybe I won't be broke all the time, paycheck to paycheck, 'sinking ship to sinking ship.' I would love to be able to be normal..go out if i want to, vacations, new car, no debt. I know that I can do all those things. So I try to stay positive. But it's depressing. The job itself is depressing. I sit with criminals all day long making sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. It's not what I ever pictured for myself.
sometimes i wonder what kind of damage this is all doing to me. i wonder how to stay me when i am surrounded by so much negativity and bullshit. how do i not change. how do i not become that typical bitter asshole cop. that scares the shit out of me. for the most part i can leave it all at the door. i go home and take a shower and am me again. but it's all still new. how long before that takes over completely.
i dunno.
enough about that for now.
every step i take
i leave a small piece of me behind
soon there will be nothing left.
every breath i take
i feel my lungs seal
soon there will be more scars than skin.
I think it's funny when I read over this how I am still writing for this to be read, but no one even knows I am writing this. I guess that is the writer in me, that part that will always be there. I miss writing sometimes, it definitely helped to keep me sane.
When I was reading so much of what Liz wrote before it made me miss this. Just letting it all out, damn what anyone thinks. I have spent a lot of time lately really trying to figure myself out. Figure out why I haven't been in anything worth while since Jess. I stopped the random hookups a while back. It wasn't making me happy. If anything it just made me realize that I really missed something more than just sex. Missed that person breathing next to you in the night. Feeling her breath on my neck, her hand in mine. I really do miss looking at someone and knowing that they can see right through me. I miss being with someone who loved me enough to actually look through me.
I miss being enough for someone else. It's been too long.
I was talking to this girl for a hot second. From the start I kinda knew it was a bad idea, but I went with it anyway. We talked for hours every day. It was fantastic. For about 2 weeks. Yeah. I'm intense. I know this. I try to not be but sometimes someone else doesn't always know how to take me. I get this. I just don't know how else to be. I'm honest, blunt, upfront, sarcastic and take no bullshit. I expect a lot from someone and I get bored easily. But it's like, I'm 2fucking7. I thought my life would be different by now. I was with Jess for years, thinking she would be the person I grow old with. No one else since her has made me feel that way. I talked to her today actually...our friendship is good. And she's with someone else doing well and I'm happy for her. But I want to be happy for me too. I want to be more than the guy who looks good on paper. I feel like I (mostly) have my shit together and if the right person came along I am ready for something legit. I am ready to care about someone and have someone care about me. But it's been so long since that person has come along.
I just want to be enough for someone else.
I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.
Photography is my escape, and that's going well. The website should be up soon-ish. I am shooting all the time, actually getting paid a bit too. Some of the response I am getting is really incredible. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable even. I am not always sure how to take that much praise. I am still blown away that a good number of people are moved so much by what I do. It's a good feeling. It keeps me anchored a bit, keeps me from blowing my fucking head off.
anyway. These antibiotics I am on is giving me the worst cotton mouth ever.
wait up,
i'm not sleeping alone again
tonight
there's so much to dream about
there must be more to my life
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