You are the water filling my lungs, killing me softly

I am so restless in this house by myself. Sometimes having your own place is really lonely. Someone warned me that would happen. I am in such a mood to just do, anything, get the fuck out of here for a bit. The problem is for everyone else it's Monday night, so they can't be out bullshitting with me all night. I can't sleep though. I won't be able to for hours.

held onto it forever, just pushing it down


I went back to the gym today. I have been running and push ups and shit since the academy, but today was my first day back to the gym. I ran 4 miles in just under 30 minutes. Not bad. I guess I haven't totally lost everything I gained in those months. I actually saw my drill instructor at the gym on my way out. It was weird, but good to see her. She said I still looked good, so I guess I haven't really gained weight back. 11 new guys started today, she said they were a mess, but we always are in the beginning. I hope they stick it out though, we need some guys to relieve some of this overtime we are getting constantly. I hope too with the promotions coming through that I can get back on 2nd shift and maybe be slightly normal. It's rough working nights, having shitty days off. I feel like the rest of the world is passing me by.

My nephew is here. I hung out with him for a couple of hours after the gym. Spent some time with my parents too. They asked me about Melissa. I guess they really did/do like her. She just went to Fla to use some of her time off that she will lose. It just reminded me of vacations we're not going to be taking together. Sad.

i know i was not the man you wanted, although i loved you and wanted to make you proud. my intentions were to never give myself to anyone. look what i've done

Speaking of vacation, I am definitely going somewhere this year, September it looks like. Either Vegas or Colorado, I haven't decided yet. Troy is home from Iraq, he came with me to Eric's home from Iraq party on Saturday. I am so glad they both made it home safe and sound. Troy needs a break too, so we might try to go on vacation together somewhere. Just gotta figure out where and get the money shit worked out.

Anyway, gonna go edit some pictures. Try to get out of my head for a bit.

you take me for a fool
maybe you're right.
if i was wiser
i would not have let myself come here tonight.

3 sleepless nights, this isn't how it's supposed to be

I just spent the last couple of hours talking to Cara about all this shit going on in my head, and listening to some music of course. I made a new playlist, it should probably be called music to slit your wrist to or something. It's all pretty depressing, but beautiful. I have been listening to Emery non-stop lately, I can't get enough of their new stuff. But some of their old lyrics still hit home

I would wait for you forever, if you would just ask me

it scares me to think, that you could find takers other than me, better than me

Yeah I love them.

It's funny how Melissa will write little things about what she's doing, away msgs or whatever and it will always catch me like a kick to the throat. Little things that remind me how great she is, and how she used to spend her time with me. It sucks how much I miss her. How I feel empty without being able to talk to her whenever I want to. She's giving me space to get over her, to be ok with us being around each other. Part of me wonders: is there enough space in the world for me to be next to her and not want to reach for her hand. Fuck, I am honestly so tired of talking about this. So tired of feeling like this. So tired of knowing that there is a person out there that I could build a life with but she doesn't want it. She tried to tell me it's not me, and that she isn't ready for it with the guy she's with now either, but that changes nothing. Fact remains, I'm here writing about her, agian, and she's sleeping next to him. Her reasoning doesn't change the outcome. I'm so tired of her being in my head all the fucking time. Blah.

So I'll pray, for words to say
to make these miles disappear


In other news, went to see The Hangover tonight. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I needed it thats for sure. My face actually hurt from laughing. Stacy is trying to show that I should let her in more, and she's pretty great, but I am not ready to take those walls down. Not yet.

Not yet.

Is it too late? Am I too gone?

I keep playing these same thoughts over and over in my head, snapshots of a happier time. Thoughts always return to that smile, that laugh I can still hear even though it's been so long.

I feel like I am in a rut. Everything's changing, but it's not all changes I wanted.

I need to keep shooting, keep moving forward with that part of my life. The only thing that makes sense anymore.


I need a break. I need a vacation. I need a smile that doesn't feel forced.

I'm due for a miracle, I'm waiting for a sign


She's "in a relationship", seems fast as fuck to me. We talked about it and she explained that she effed it up before with this guy, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes twice. I get all that, I do. But it still hurts. I feel like I might be spiraling out of control a bit. Andrea and I hooked up after my birthday. We were wasted and it just felt natural. Since then we've actually become pretty good friends again. And then I am still hooking up with Stacy, but that is something I am trying to taper off. She is catching feelings which will just end badly for her. I am going to hurt her I am sure of it. No matter how much I tell her I don't want a relationship and don't want to be her bf or whatever, she is definitely catching feelings. That's not going to work out well for her. And then yesterday I had a photoshoot with someone I've known for a while, hot hot russian girl. Annnnd we ended up hooking up too. All that being said, none of it is making me not think about Melissa. I thought I was beyond all that now, old enough to know better. I don't want to be that fucking guy who uses sex to fill the emptyness.

But the bottom line is, I had exactly what I wanted, but she didn't want me. And we fit together too well for me to pretend like I don't still want her in my life. But I can't be around her, not yet. I can't wake up without her in my head, and I can't kiss someone else without missing her lips.

I want her to be happy. More than anything. I just wish that included me. The strange thing is, she was happy with me. None of it makes sense to me.


I knew it, right from the start
I've got this big big hole in my heart
I wanted, to put you in
but for some reason, you just wouldn't fit.


In other news...I feel like I am working a lot. Still taking pictures a lot too.


Just trying to get my shit together, as hard as that's been lately. I am still not moved out 100%. It's hard because Jeff and I have completely messed up work schedules. When I am off and awake he is sleeping. And when he is awake I am busy. He is being a dick about it a little bit too, I moved 95% of the stuff, what is left doesn't really matter. I am going to get it out today though. Just so it's finished.

I feel hungover. And empty

Birthday reflections

"when your castle crumbles at your feet, don't you run to me"

Yesterday was my birthday, 28. It's crazy to think about sometimes. I remember being a kid, remember thinking I was never going to be even old enough to drive. Now here I am, 2 years shy of 30. Every year I look back on my life, I try to weigh it out. See if I am moving forward. Looking back now, on paper, I am definitely moving forward. I have a career a lot of people would kill for. I just moved into my first apartment sans roommates, which is a big deal. My photography is going well. I know who my true friends are. I know my self worth, and I don't put up with less than I deserve. On paper, I definitely have moved forward. But I feel empty sometimes. I feel a hollow in my chest, still, where she used to be. It's been well over a month at this point, last I heard she was talking to someone new. But I still miss her every day. I have done my part to be distracted, "I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to..." but nothing compares to the time we spent together. 28 years old and this one girl has the power to just fucking level me. Man oh man. Not that long ago she was talking about helping me celebrate my birthday, making it a big deal. But it came and went and she didn't even call me. I kept hoping for it, waiting for it, but it never happened. It made me sadder than it should have.



Andrea was at the bar last night. It's funny, that girl fucked me over so bad back in the day. When I saw her it proved to me that you really can just let anything go. She ended up apologizing, telling me that she missed me. We talked. And I drank. And we talked. She explained that she was just scared and not ready for me, sounds a bit like Melissa. She's engaged now although I am not sure if she's ready for it really. But good for her anyway. I guess we're cool now which is good. It was definitely a blast from the past though. I really did pretty much fucking hate her for a while, but now...none of that matters at all.

I decided to publish a photography book. The idea of this was probably started in my brain when Melissa and I hung out. She was all about Deadbolt Design, T-shirts, calenders, the whole deal. I still feel like there will be a time when I am ok with my place in her life and we'll end up working together, making something amazing. In the meantime, I am flying solo. It's hard to go through everything I've done and figure out what I want in the book. What images are going to represent me to anyone who happens to look at it. There are definitely some that will absolutely be in there, but it's a lot to think about. I am proud of what I have done so far, of the name I am building. People I've never talked to have heard of me, of Deadbolt photos. That's pretty cool. If Brian can ever finish the effing site it will defintely help to launch me forward even more. In the meantime, I keep taking pictures. I keep trying to push myself forward. I keep trying to do something that will catch your breath in your chest when you see it. That's all I want, to make you feel anything when you look at what I've done. I get that sometimes, I definitely do. I just want to keep learning, keep moving, keep creating.



Back to work tomorrow. Another 6o hour + week. It's good sometimes. I definitely need the money, and the distraction.

"and when the night falls in around me I don't think I'll make it through, I'll use your light to guide the way, cause all I think about is you"