Here I go again

so drown me if you can
we could just have conversation



I used to have a LJ. I used to write in it all the time. Constantly just pouring stuff out...lyrics, poems, rants, raves, pictures, whatever. Somewhere over the years I lost touch with that part of me. The part of me that let all this shit out. I got scared. I started writing for whoever would read it instead of just letting it out as I saw fit. I tried to pretend like that wasn't the case, but it totally was. I censored myself after a while.

I just spent the last..almost 2 hours reading the blog posts from a new almost friend I've recently made. She kinda inspired me to start this again. I need it I think. There is so much inside that I don't know what to do with anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or who to lean on. The thing is, years later and I am not any better or more put together than I ever was. I am still a fucking train wreck more often than not. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I have spent the last month and a half in the police academy. I pretty much hate every second of it. It's so not me. The marching. The yelling. Shaving my head. Doing my boots. I have no sense of pride in any of it. I am doing it because I have to, but my heart isn't in it. It's so not like me at all. This whole career I have chosen for myself, so not me. I want to take pictures. I want to play music. That's what I want. This yes sir, no sir bullshit...none of it is me. And it's hard. I mean, the academy overall I guess is not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's bad enough. And some days are just awful. I end up exhausted, bruised, almost broken more often than not. But I didn't leave myself an out, any other options. I did that on purpose. I knew if I left myself any other options I'd quit. I try to think about the positives. With the way things are going in the economy, I went out and got the one career that there will always be a need for. Law enforcement isn't going anywhere. There is always going to be inmates, always be a need for officers. The pay and benefits are great, the pension is fantastic. With this maybe I can be normal, money-wise at least. Maybe I won't be broke all the time, paycheck to paycheck, 'sinking ship to sinking ship.' I would love to be able to be normal..go out if i want to, vacations, new car, no debt. I know that I can do all those things. So I try to stay positive. But it's depressing. The job itself is depressing. I sit with criminals all day long making sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. It's not what I ever pictured for myself.

sometimes i wonder what kind of damage this is all doing to me. i wonder how to stay me when i am surrounded by so much negativity and bullshit. how do i not change. how do i not become that typical bitter asshole cop. that scares the shit out of me. for the most part i can leave it all at the door. i go home and take a shower and am me again. but it's all still new. how long before that takes over completely.

i dunno.

enough about that for now.

every step i take
i leave a small piece of me behind
soon there will be nothing left.
every breath i take
i feel my lungs seal
soon there will be more scars than skin.

I think it's funny when I read over this how I am still writing for this to be read, but no one even knows I am writing this. I guess that is the writer in me, that part that will always be there. I miss writing sometimes, it definitely helped to keep me sane.

When I was reading so much of what Liz wrote before it made me miss this. Just letting it all out, damn what anyone thinks. I have spent a lot of time lately really trying to figure myself out. Figure out why I haven't been in anything worth while since Jess. I stopped the random hookups a while back. It wasn't making me happy. If anything it just made me realize that I really missed something more than just sex. Missed that person breathing next to you in the night. Feeling her breath on my neck, her hand in mine. I really do miss looking at someone and knowing that they can see right through me. I miss being with someone who loved me enough to actually look through me.

I miss being enough for someone else. It's been too long.

I was talking to this girl for a hot second. From the start I kinda knew it was a bad idea, but I went with it anyway. We talked for hours every day. It was fantastic. For about 2 weeks. Yeah. I'm intense. I know this. I try to not be but sometimes someone else doesn't always know how to take me. I get this. I just don't know how else to be. I'm honest, blunt, upfront, sarcastic and take no bullshit. I expect a lot from someone and I get bored easily. But it's like, I'm 2fucking7. I thought my life would be different by now. I was with Jess for years, thinking she would be the person I grow old with. No one else since her has made me feel that way. I talked to her today actually...our friendship is good. And she's with someone else doing well and I'm happy for her. But I want to be happy for me too. I want to be more than the guy who looks good on paper. I feel like I (mostly) have my shit together and if the right person came along I am ready for something legit. I am ready to care about someone and have someone care about me. But it's been so long since that person has come along.

I just want to be enough for someone else.

I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.

Photography is my escape, and that's going well. The website should be up soon-ish. I am shooting all the time, actually getting paid a bit too. Some of the response I am getting is really incredible. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable even. I am not always sure how to take that much praise. I am still blown away that a good number of people are moved so much by what I do. It's a good feeling. It keeps me anchored a bit, keeps me from blowing my fucking head off.

anyway. These antibiotics I am on is giving me the worst cotton mouth ever.



wait up,
i'm not sleeping alone again
tonight
there's so much to dream about
there must be more to my life