Dear you look so lost

it's 4:03 and I can't sleep
without you next to me
i toss and turn like the sea

I am so bored with everything. Frustrated. Depressed. Annoyed. Just fucking bored with my life. I have things I should be doing right now, but I can't make myself do any of them. I just felt so sad and frustrated all day today. I hooked up with this girl last night I have hooked up with a couple of times before. I did it because...well I just wanted to feel close to someone. But I think it has a lot to do with why I felt so shitty all day today. That's also why I stopped hooking up with random girls. I mean, this girl is my friend but there is no attraction there. I am at a place in my life where I want to care about someone that I'm sleeping with. I want to wake up next to them and just be happy that they are still in my bed. Not be like, glad that they went home after. I dunno. It's such a fucking mess in my head. I don't have to be dating someone I am sleeping with, but I at least have to be attracted to them. I have to like them on some level more than friendship. That is my current requirement. That was definitely not the case last night. I am trying to be a good guy. Do the right thing. Be someone worthy of someone great. It's so hard though. Especially when you do all these things and it gets you nowhere. That's where I feel like I am lately. Nowhere. I just want to meet someone who blows me away. Keeps me on my toes. Someone who I want to wake up next to. It's been so long.
So fucking long.

your head is elsewhere
and im talking enough for both of us
when will you see
it's not so easy for me

I went to Christina's gallery opening last night. It was nice. Mistica was supposed to come with me but she couldn't get a sitter. It's so weird how I am still so into that girl years and years later. So anyway, the show was nice. I was a little jealous if I'm being honest. I mean, I love her to death and we've been on this journey together and she's getting a lot of success. I am having a bit of my own too, but not the same way. So it was a strange night on many fronts. Overall, I am just proud of her. I remember the thousands of hours she and I have spent over the years and it's great to see how far she has come. I hope that I will get there too, one day. I am sure if I ever do she will be by my side also.

I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset

Tomorrow we go to the range. 8 days of shooting guns. It should be a good break from the academy in general. It's a little different on the range. No yelling and pushups and homework, all that shit. I mean, it's serious, but as long as you listen and don't do anything to jepordize safety, it's a better time than the rest of the academy. I am good with guns and shooting in general, so it should be good.

I just had a mini nervous breakdown. Awesome.