we all end up with scars

That's the title of this blog or whatever. It's certainly fitting. I am writing because I can be free with my thoughts. No one really reads this, especially the person this will be about. I was in love. Or damn close anyway. I spent the last 3 months every day with a certain person. She made me happier than I have been in a long time. She helped me through the academy when it threatened to tear me apart. She made me smile when no one else could. In all my life I never met anyone who fit into my life like she did. In a way that made me think that she was always meant to be there. I know it wasn't a long time, 3 months is nothing. But it felt like we knew each other a lifetime. And now I am here without her, and I can't figure out how to go forward knowing that she won't be by my side. I mean, this shit has me crying. I don't cry. I keep everything locked up and tucked away like you're supposed to. But I am a mess.

I miss her

The fucked up part, she's not gone. I mean, not really. She still "really likes me" she just doesn't think that she will "ever fall in love with me" so she doesn't want to lead me on. I can't hate her for that. She is trying to look out for me. But what the fuck man? How can we be so good together, so happy, and then within a day, so fucking nothing? I can't wrap my mind around that. So I am sitting here listening to Sara Barellis while tears run down my face. That's how bad it's gotten. Sara Barellis.

"Something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
until the moment I'm gone

set me free
leave me be
i don't want to fall another moment
into your gravity"

I am a mess. I miss her. I just want her to be in my arms again. We hung out last night for the first time since this all happened. It was hard. As she said, there were no bad times with us. None at all. That's the fucked up part. There was never one bad time. Goddamn

goddamn

goddamn

For the first time ever I found someone perfect for me. Someone who fit into my life exactly like she was meant to be there. The missing piece to me. To all of this. But she doesn't want it.

And I don't know how to move past it.

Neither does she, for that matter. When I don't call or text her, she reaches out to me. She still calls me most days on her way home from work like she used to. She still laughs at all the right times. Sitting next to her on the couch still felt right, almost. Now it's like we are both trying to not touch each other. And when I was putting my jacket on to leave I caught her looking at me with that little spark still in her eyes.

I'm just sad. fuck man