I'm falling over the edge with you.

For the first time in a long time someone has come along that has made me feel hopeful. Made me think that maybe I am not completely screwed up. That maybe, just maybe I do deserve to be happy. I love getting to know her. Love hearing her voice on the phone and feeling her hand in mine. I feel lucky to have met her and excited about the future with her. But every so often something will happen that will remind me of the past. And for a second, just for a second, I lose my breath. I've been told that I have a hard time letting go, and this has definitely been true. I am different than I used to be though. I have grown. I have been shattered and found a way to repair. I am not who I used to be, but some of me will never change. It's weird, it's not even that I want to be with her anymore, it's just that I miss hanging out with her. Miss the fun we used to have. That's all me though, because she would still hang out, I just don't know if I am ready yet. I also don't know how Maggie would feel about us hanging out. So I wait. I let more time go by. More space for me to make sure that all my thoughts on feelings are sorted out. But every so often, I really do miss her friendship.

I just got home from my third double this week. The last hour were so annoying. Inmates going to medical. inmates going to court. nurse coming in. I just got so frustrated and antsy. It's over though, and I've got the next three days off. I got 2nd shift too, which will definitely make me feel more human. Working overnights is so damn hard for me. So in 2 weeks I go back to seconds which means I will be out at 10. I can be more social, be able to spend time with Maggie on the weekend, see my friends, sleep at night. Wow. Just be normal. I can't wait.

I definitely feel really shot out right now. i should be sleeping but I don't think that I can. I need to do a shoot in the next few days, it always helps me reset. All the girls I usually shoot are busy though. I will definitely have to figure something out.

Ibra made me a sweet logo for deadboltphotos:

I really love it. If things go like I hope they will with this I will probably have that tattooed on me one day. Mhmm.

I meet Maggie's family tonight. I am excited. I mean, I dunno. She is super close with them and I know her mom has been grilling her about me lately. I definitely need to get to know them a bit and let them get to know me. I want them to like me and like the fact that she is choosing to spend her time with me. Hopefully it goes well.

Thrice has a new album out I am super excited about and they are playing a show with Brand New on Nov 14. They are both so friggen good live. I can't wait to take Maggie to see them play.

My new computer is up and running and pretty damn sweet. I won't lie. She is going to help me get deadboltphotos.com up and running. They haven't been able to recover my photography from my crashed harddrive which bums me out, but I haven't given up on that yet either.

My brain is all over the place. I can't focus. Maybe it's bed time.