It's amazing the things i have gotten used to because of work. It no longer phases me to see naked guys. I work in medical and see dick all the time, plus the times I have to do a strip search. You get used to being called names and walking around all the time constantly watching to make sure no one tries to jump you. You get used to the smell: piss, sometimes shit, sweat, dragon breath and body Oder. You get used to seeing guys completely broken down. Coming in kicking heroin or alcohol, so completely fucked up that they can't even make it to the toilet. You expect grown ass men to almost riot because someone changed the channel on the TV. You get used to the complaining, the whining, the constant bitching. You get used to a lot.
Tonight I worked in medical. I watched a guy in hi vis finger his ass for 8 hours. No exaggeration. How the fuck do I get used to that? I don't even want to. But I also don't want to close my eyes and see that inside my head when I do. Then the other guy in hi vis was screaming "Faggot" "Fuck you pig" etc all night, trying to smash the light out until we put him in the restraint chair. So i've got a guy 3 fingers deep on one screen and another guy screaming naked in the chair for 8 hours. Some nights are definitely longer than others, and there are some things I just don't want to get used to.
Mom is always worried this job will change me. In some respects it definitely has. You can't do what I have to do every day and not change, not adapt. You have to constantly keep learning to keep yourself safe. I try so hard to be the same me I have always been when I leave though. Most of the time I do a good job I think. I told Maggie, I think I am actually more polite on the outside because of the asshole I have to be sometimes on the inside. I've definitely changed though. I have less patience for the bullshit. I know when I am being conned and I don't like it. I have less sympathy for most inmates. I used to feel bad when I would do a shake down. Now I just think, 'well, if you don't want me to go through your shit don't get locked up.' 'If you don't want me to strip search or pat you down, stay out of trouble' Things like that. There isn't a lot of room for sympathy in there.
I think I do a good job of keeping it separate. But some stuff gets in my head. I know why guys come home at 6 am and get drunk so they can sleep. I don't do it, but I understand it. I can still hear that guy screaming in my head, I can still see the guy fingering his ass when I close my eyes.
It was a long fucking night.
On the up side, I see Maggie today. Jacky is moving to Morocco for a year and today is her good-bye BBQ. Maggie will meet some more of my family which I think will go well. I don't see how anyone can not like her, so it should be fine. Everyday I am a little more impressed with her, and happy that she likes me enough to share her time with me. I really do feel lucky.
I'm beat. Hopefully sleep will come soon.
I want to be where you are, in times of need i just want you to stay
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