"I think maybe I only know one thing in this world. One thing for sure. And that is that the truth does not set you free. Not like I have heard it said and not like I have said it myself the countless times I sat in small rooms and jail cells and urged ragged men to confess their sins to me. I lied to them, tricked them. The truth does not salvage you or make you whole again. It does not allow you to rise above the burden of lies and secrets and wounds to the heart. The truths I have learned hold me down like chains in a dark room, an underworld of ghosts and victims that slither around me like snakes. It is a place where the truth is not something to look at or behold. It is the place where evil waits. Where it blows its breath, every breath, into your mouth and nose until you cannot escape from it. This is what I know. The only thing."
-Michael Connelly
I read that last week in this book, "The Narrows" I can't explain why it struck me like it did, but for whatever reason I really loved it. I dunno.
Anyway. I'm moving, it's a bitch. I really do hate moving. The new place is really nice though, I will be happy when I am all settled and actually have furniture and what not. Melissa came over last week and saw it for the first time, she said she liked it. I dunno, I think she is proud of me and how I am trying to move forward. When I saw the place even though she and I were not talking, I thought of her. I still always think of her. But I thought that she would like the place, be comfortable there. Even though our relationship has changed in a way that I don't like, I still really care about what she thinks. I can't help it. We talked for a while tonight about how I don't like how things are going with us, this in between thing we're in. I am trying to still be her friend, be in her life, in the way that she wants, even though it's not what I really want. I just miss her all the time. And it's hard to know that someone is out there that I feel like is absolutely perfect for me, but she doesn't want this. Not now. Maybe not ever. I feel a little empty and off balance. I dunno man. Fuck. I'm tired of thinking about this.
But anyway, the new place should be good. I bought my kitchen stuff earlier tonight, definitely a step in the right direction. Got the glasses, plates, cooking ware, etc. It all feels familure because Melissa and I just went through this for her place, but it definitely gave me a little insight I would not have had beforehand.
My dad has Drs appointment tomorrow. He's been having some random bleeding the last couple of days. The whole thing with him is so fragile at best, always. When something extra happens it's scary. My mom actually broke down earlier today, she was like, "If anything happens to him I can't live alone." It's not at all what I want to think about, I am definitely not in a place in my life where I want to end up living with my mom because John isn't around. It's selfish I know, but it would be so bad for me to end up living there again. I just don't even want to think about it. Both of them though, thier health is so iffy all the time. It's one of those things I don't even want to think about, but with them, who knows. I hope everything goes well and he gets back on track.
I decided to self publish a little coffee table photography book. I am in the process of doing it now actually. It's gonna be hard to narrow down everything I've done into 30 or 40 pictures, but I think it will be nice to have. I will give a few extra copies to those who've supported me along the way, I dunno. I just think it will be good. We'll see I guess.
My head is always full, but I am beat. So I guess I'm done for now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment