Yesterday was my birthday, 28. It's crazy to think about sometimes. I remember being a kid, remember thinking I was never going to be even old enough to drive. Now here I am, 2 years shy of 30. Every year I look back on my life, I try to weigh it out. See if I am moving forward. Looking back now, on paper, I am definitely moving forward. I have a career a lot of people would kill for. I just moved into my first apartment sans roommates, which is a big deal. My photography is going well. I know who my true friends are. I know my self worth, and I don't put up with less than I deserve. On paper, I definitely have moved forward. But I feel empty sometimes. I feel a hollow in my chest, still, where she used to be. It's been well over a month at this point, last I heard she was talking to someone new. But I still miss her every day. I have done my part to be distracted, "I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to..." but nothing compares to the time we spent together. 28 years old and this one girl has the power to just fucking level me. Man oh man. Not that long ago she was talking about helping me celebrate my birthday, making it a big deal. But it came and went and she didn't even call me. I kept hoping for it, waiting for it, but it never happened. It made me sadder than it should have.
Andrea was at the bar last night. It's funny, that girl fucked me over so bad back in the day. When I saw her it proved to me that you really can just let anything go. She ended up apologizing, telling me that she missed me. We talked. And I drank. And we talked. She explained that she was just scared and not ready for me, sounds a bit like Melissa. She's engaged now although I am not sure if she's ready for it really. But good for her anyway. I guess we're cool now which is good. It was definitely a blast from the past though. I really did pretty much fucking hate her for a while, but now...none of that matters at all.
I decided to publish a photography book. The idea of this was probably started in my brain when Melissa and I hung out. She was all about Deadbolt Design, T-shirts, calenders, the whole deal. I still feel like there will be a time when I am ok with my place in her life and we'll end up working together, making something amazing. In the meantime, I am flying solo. It's hard to go through everything I've done and figure out what I want in the book. What images are going to represent me to anyone who happens to look at it. There are definitely some that will absolutely be in there, but it's a lot to think about. I am proud of what I have done so far, of the name I am building. People I've never talked to have heard of me, of Deadbolt photos. That's pretty cool. If Brian can ever finish the effing site it will defintely help to launch me forward even more. In the meantime, I keep taking pictures. I keep trying to push myself forward. I keep trying to do something that will catch your breath in your chest when you see it. That's all I want, to make you feel anything when you look at what I've done. I get that sometimes, I definitely do. I just want to keep learning, keep moving, keep creating.
Back to work tomorrow. Another 6o hour + week. It's good sometimes. I definitely need the money, and the distraction.
"and when the night falls in around me I don't think I'll make it through, I'll use your light to guide the way, cause all I think about is you"
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