Is it too late? Am I too gone?

I keep playing these same thoughts over and over in my head, snapshots of a happier time. Thoughts always return to that smile, that laugh I can still hear even though it's been so long.

I feel like I am in a rut. Everything's changing, but it's not all changes I wanted.

I need to keep shooting, keep moving forward with that part of my life. The only thing that makes sense anymore.


I need a break. I need a vacation. I need a smile that doesn't feel forced.

I'm due for a miracle, I'm waiting for a sign


She's "in a relationship", seems fast as fuck to me. We talked about it and she explained that she effed it up before with this guy, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes twice. I get all that, I do. But it still hurts. I feel like I might be spiraling out of control a bit. Andrea and I hooked up after my birthday. We were wasted and it just felt natural. Since then we've actually become pretty good friends again. And then I am still hooking up with Stacy, but that is something I am trying to taper off. She is catching feelings which will just end badly for her. I am going to hurt her I am sure of it. No matter how much I tell her I don't want a relationship and don't want to be her bf or whatever, she is definitely catching feelings. That's not going to work out well for her. And then yesterday I had a photoshoot with someone I've known for a while, hot hot russian girl. Annnnd we ended up hooking up too. All that being said, none of it is making me not think about Melissa. I thought I was beyond all that now, old enough to know better. I don't want to be that fucking guy who uses sex to fill the emptyness.

But the bottom line is, I had exactly what I wanted, but she didn't want me. And we fit together too well for me to pretend like I don't still want her in my life. But I can't be around her, not yet. I can't wake up without her in my head, and I can't kiss someone else without missing her lips.

I want her to be happy. More than anything. I just wish that included me. The strange thing is, she was happy with me. None of it makes sense to me.


I knew it, right from the start
I've got this big big hole in my heart
I wanted, to put you in
but for some reason, you just wouldn't fit.


In other news...I feel like I am working a lot. Still taking pictures a lot too.


Just trying to get my shit together, as hard as that's been lately. I am still not moved out 100%. It's hard because Jeff and I have completely messed up work schedules. When I am off and awake he is sleeping. And when he is awake I am busy. He is being a dick about it a little bit too, I moved 95% of the stuff, what is left doesn't really matter. I am going to get it out today though. Just so it's finished.

I feel hungover. And empty