3 sleepless nights, this isn't how it's supposed to be

I just spent the last couple of hours talking to Cara about all this shit going on in my head, and listening to some music of course. I made a new playlist, it should probably be called music to slit your wrist to or something. It's all pretty depressing, but beautiful. I have been listening to Emery non-stop lately, I can't get enough of their new stuff. But some of their old lyrics still hit home

I would wait for you forever, if you would just ask me

it scares me to think, that you could find takers other than me, better than me

Yeah I love them.

It's funny how Melissa will write little things about what she's doing, away msgs or whatever and it will always catch me like a kick to the throat. Little things that remind me how great she is, and how she used to spend her time with me. It sucks how much I miss her. How I feel empty without being able to talk to her whenever I want to. She's giving me space to get over her, to be ok with us being around each other. Part of me wonders: is there enough space in the world for me to be next to her and not want to reach for her hand. Fuck, I am honestly so tired of talking about this. So tired of feeling like this. So tired of knowing that there is a person out there that I could build a life with but she doesn't want it. She tried to tell me it's not me, and that she isn't ready for it with the guy she's with now either, but that changes nothing. Fact remains, I'm here writing about her, agian, and she's sleeping next to him. Her reasoning doesn't change the outcome. I'm so tired of her being in my head all the fucking time. Blah.

So I'll pray, for words to say
to make these miles disappear


In other news, went to see The Hangover tonight. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I needed it thats for sure. My face actually hurt from laughing. Stacy is trying to show that I should let her in more, and she's pretty great, but I am not ready to take those walls down. Not yet.

Not yet.